Mental Doodle

Hello everyone! It's been a while, huh? Sorry, kind of sucks, but what can I do? 

... 

Ah, yes, write faster. Silly me... -.-

Anyways, here's something I wrote on a whim as a placeholder, because, guess what, the OTWS is going to continue soon! How soon, you might ask? Well, let's just say there will be surprises. :P

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The Quest for the Mighty Something

???: "Is the BOY here yet?"

One could very well touch the nervousness in the old wizard’s voice. Actually it felt an awful lot like cucumber, but none of the distinguished mages dared to mention it to the almighty Br’wara’mhwa-Skar Trepzol’kroi, or “Bob the old fart”, as his beloved pupils affectionately named him. The group was impatiently fidgeting in the dark, moldy bedroom of Bob’s weekend home in Alabama. It was the perfect hiding place for such intensely powerful, almost godly beings such as themselves. After all, who in their right mind would look for mages in Alabama, right?

Bob: "They are LATE… I HOPE they didn’t meet “HER”…"

Hearing his words, all the mages’ faces darkened under their pointy hats, but neither of them spoke up. They had the outmost trust in their comrades, believing that even if they met “her”, they had both the composure and the will to protect the chosen one from the terrifying wrath of the landlady. However, just the mere mention of her was enough to make the almightily Bob’s face visibly twitch in uneasiness. No one mentioned it though. After all, he had seen more of “her” terror than anyone else on this planet, as their mentor was the only person ever to survive her dreaded “eviction note” spell…

Mage: "Wait, someone is coming!" – Everyone jolted at the young mage’s words coming from the direction of the door – "It’s him! He is here!"

The news immediately brought the life back to the old man’s face, but his expression quickly fell into darkness again.

Bob: "What about the REST of them?"

There was no answer, but it was an answer by itself, though a somewhat ambiguous one, since there was no answer on the first place, only juxtaposition, which may or may not be true depending on... *cough*

Anyways, only half a nanosecond had passed since the non-answer when the door was suddenly and quite forcefully thrown open, revealing a young man on the other side.

Bob: "BOY! You are ALIVE!"

The young man triumphantly entered the door and proceeded to punch Bob straight in the face.

The Chosen One: "Shut up you senile fart! Who are you calling a boy?!"

Bob: "Fufufu… LIVELY as ALWAYS."

The Chosen One: "Hmpf."

The newcomer promptly left the old man behind and entered the kitchen.

The Chosen One: "What the fuck?!" – The young man’s sudden exclamation made everyone shudder as he stormed back to the bedroom – "What the fuck happened to my beer?!"

The man looked over the group of visibly scared mages and pointed at them with the fury of the gods shining in his eyes.

The Chosen One: "I’m going to break off your pancreases and stuff it into your kidneys you bastards! It was MY beer!"

Bob: "Now, now. CALM DOWN, boy, we need to…"

Before the almighty Bob could finish his sentence, the man punched him in the face again and forcefully shook his head.

The Chosen One: "All right, I’m starting with you, old fart!" – He was just about to reach for the downed antediluvian when sanity returned to his eyes and he straightened himself. – "Wait… First, someone get me an anatomy textbook. I have no idea where the fuck your pancreases are…"

While the mages were busy fulfilling the man’s modest request, the immensely powerful sage slowly rose to his feet.

Bob: "My son…"

The Chosen One: "I’m not your son, and shut up. Stay put until I beat you up."

Bob: "Fufu. You are so full of ENERGY and OPTIMISM. GOOD! You are going to NEED all that to OVERCOME the trials FATE is holding for you!"

The Chosen One: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say, do you guys have a spoon around here? Preferably a really rusty one, I’ve heard that it really hurts when one breaks your pancreas off with that…"

Bob: "You better LISTEN to my WORDS, as they are the UNQUESTIONABLE TRUTH! Take HEED and reach ENLIGHTENMENT!"

The Chosen One: "… Shut up."

Bob: "My SON, you are the CHOSEN ONE!"

The Chosen One: "I’m not, and even if I am, I refuse. Now, are you sure you only have grapefruit spoons? They are a little awkward for something this…"

Bob: "You were BORN under the HORNY ARMADILLO constellation and-"

The Chosen One: "*sigh* Listen old man, would you shut up already? I’m trying my best to find a spoon here and…"

Bob: "But there is no TIME to waste on SPOONS! You are the CHOSEN ONE, the one that is DESTINED to destroy the evil OVERLORD, just as the PROPHECY foretold!"

The Chosen One: "Prophecy? The one that you got from that wasted cheerleader last summer?"

Bob: "Her NAME was VANESSA, and I can ATTEST to her prophecy’s AUTHENTICITY!"

The Chosen One: "… You only say that because she let you fuck her."

Bob: "That is an INSIGNIFICANT detail!"

The Chosen One: "No, it’s not! Also, I changed my mind. A grapefruit spoon will do after all."

Following the young one’s irresponsible words, the godlike Bob rose up and held his magic pizza-cutter over his head.

Bob: "You WILL heed my WORDS, BOY!"

Faced with the powerful words of the great one, the Chosen One had no other choice but to raise his eyes upon the Great One with attention undivided… but then the next second he just shrugged his shoulders and turned back around.

The Chosen One: "*sigh* Whatever, I’m going home. I even lost my will to break your pancreas."

Just as he was about to leave, a huge man obstructed his path. He was clad in black, spiky armor and loudly proclaimed his intents the moment he raised his red, glowing eyes upon the young man.

Overlord: "I AM THE DARK OVERLORD! I CAME TO DESTROY YOU, CHOSEN ONE, BEFORE YOU COULD EMBARK ON YOUR QUEST THAT WILL INEVITABLY LEAD YOU TO BECOME STRONG ENOUGH TO DEFEAT ME!"

Bob: "Oh NO!" – The blood left the invincible Bob’s face as the revelation dawned on him – "It cannot BE! Does you EVIL GENRE-SAVVY know NO BOUNDS, you FIEND!?"

Mage: "What are we going to do now?!" – The young mage at the door shrieked out in fear – "We cannot hope to win against such immerse amount of savvy!"

Bob: "Fear NOT, as he is not the ONLY one who can use the POWER OF SAVVY!"

In the meantime, the young man let out an irritated sigh.

The Chosen One: "Come on people, stop fucking around! I don’t have all day!"

Overlord: "TREBMLE BEFORE MY MIGHT, FOOLS! THERE IS NOWHERE TO HIDE FROM MY SIGHT, NOWHERTE TO RUN FROM THE SUNDER OF MY ARMS! BWAHAHAHA!"

The almighty Bob defiantly stood up against the evil overlord, raised his magical slippers above his head, and declared with a thundering voice.

Bob: "YOU! SHALL! NOT! ENTER!"

Overlord: "YOU THINK YOU CAN ORDER ME, FOOLISH MAGE!? I ENTER WHENEVER I MIGHT PLEASE!!!"

Bob: "You CAN’T! Your spiky ARMOR is too WIDE for the DOORFRAME!"

The evil man of primeval evilness visibly pondered for a second while observing the entrance, then lashed out at the holder of primordial powers with a litany of curses.

Overlord: "AH! CURSES AND IMPRECATIONS! BUT DON’T THINK YOU HAVE WON, FOOLISH SPELLCASTER! YOUR DOORFRAME WON’T HOLD ME BACK FOREVER!"

After a few moments of raging, to the utter horror of the mages inside, the Dark Lord began unbuckling his belt with the fury of a demon.

Mage: "What should we do!? He is casting off his armor! It’s only a matter of time before he can gain entry to our sacred chamber!"

For a moment, the sage of infinite knowledge slowly ran his fingers through his thick beard, with clear determination shining in his eyes like boat lights on the Baltic sea on the third of May. Also, he might or might not smelled like fish as well, the historians are not clear on that fact yet.

Bob: "We have no other CHOICE! We have to use the power of SAVVY to make the BOY ready to FACE the OVERLORD! NOW!"

The Chosen One: "I told you to stop calling me a boy you old fart!"

The omnipotent Bob hastily grabbed the Chosen One and pulled him over to the Holy Chamber of Nourishment (the one that the common rabble mistakenly calls “kitchen” even to this very day), and gathered all his cosmic power.

Bob: "My SON, we have no TIME for your JOURNEY! The OVERLORD is at our very DOORSTEP! We have to take a SHORTCUT using the power of SAVVY!"

The Chosen One: "… I think I’m just going to leave through the back-door."

Hearing such naive words made the magical one’s eyes open wide in shock.

Bob: "NO! You cannot RUN AWAY from this FOE! Do so, and you will REGRET it for the rest of your LIFE!"

The Chosen One: "Errrr… No, I’m pretty sure I won’t."

Bob: "LISTEN, BOY! This will only take FIVE minutes!"

The Chosen One: "…"

Bob: "AND, you will get a free BEER when we are done!"

The Chosen One: "Beer? Why didn’t you start with that, stupid old man…"

The room suddenly darkened as the omniscient Bob began his incantation.

Bob: "By the almighty POWER of the SAVVY, I shall BESTOW your JOURNEY upon thee!"

The Chosen One: "You what?"

Bob: "*cough* … With our blessing, you left this place to kill some rats in the basement…"

The Chosen One: "I did not…"

Mage: "Ah, the savvy-levels are rising!"

Bob: "… However, while doing so, one of the rats dropped the ALMIGHTY AMULET OF ALMIGHTINESS a great artifact from a completely different loot-table because there was a small designer oversight in the universe!"

The Chosen One: "… What?!"

Bob: "… This marked you as the Chosen One, the one who shall defeat the Evil Overlord, but for that, you needed to gather the five elemental crystals and insert them into the amulet’s sockets!"

The Chosen One: "There are only four elements."

Bob: "… Oh, will you SHUT UP already! We will get to that LATER!"

The Chosen One: "…"

Bob: "*cough* So, you travelled the land, fought against monsters and gained loyal companions, like Raggard, the pirate fighter!"

Raggard: "Arr, matey!"

The Chosen One: "Wha?! … Where the fuck did that guy come from?! No, wait, scratch that! Who the fuck are you!?"

Raggard: "Arr! Don’t joke me old mate, old buddy, old chum! It’s Raggard Belever the Second to Last, the greatest pirate of all of Lake Ontario! Arr!"

The Chosen One: "…"

Bob: "There is also Mikhael, the dwarf fighter…"

Mikhael: "I am not a dwarf!"

Bob: "*cough* I meant, Mikhael, the vertically challenged but otherwise completely normal fighter, prince of the mines of Minnesota!"

The Chosen One: "I… had quite enough. I’m leaving."

Just as the Chosen One was about to turn around, the Commander of immeasurable powers hastily grabbed his collar.

Bob: "WAIT, boy! If you leave NOW, you will NEVER learn the ARCANE SECRETS you need!"

The Chosen One: "… I know I’m going to hate myself for this, but what kind of secrets are we talking about?"

Bob: "The SECRETS of LIFE and the HEAVENS! The ANSWERS to all the QUESTIONS of the WORLD! The…"

The Chosen One: "*yawn*"

Bob: "… the LOCATION of our BEER RESERVES?"

The Chosen One: "… *sigh* Whatever, just go on. I’ll just go over there, but I’m “totally” listening…"

Bob: "GOOD! Now then… Finally, you met Joane de Marco de la Verde il Mona pas Canada, the crown princess of the mystical winter wonderland of Ottawa."

The Chosen One: "Uh-hum."

Just as he was about to face away from the wisest of the wises, two slender but strong hands grabbed the Chosen One’s collar and pulled them towards the newly arrived woman’s secondary sexual characteristics.

Joane: "Do me!"

Bob: "No, not YET, my DEAR! First you have to be DISMISSIVE of him and INSULT him all the TIME to create SEXUAL TENSION!"

After a moment of hesitation, the fair maiden let the head of the world’s savior go as she dropped her fist into her palm.

Joane: "Ah, I see! *cough* You are a subpar human being and I totally not like you or anything!"

Bob: "Not QUITE there yet…"

Joane: Ah, I got it, I got it! *cough-cough* Also, your penis size is five percent under the national average!"

Bob: "… It’ll do FOR NOW."

Joane: "Yay!"

The Chosen One: "..."

Bob: "Do we HAVE enough SAVVY YET?!"

Mage: "No, it’s not enough! And the Overlord is almost out of his spiky armor already!"

For a few moments the nigh-uberpowerful Bob was visibly pondering, until he finally resolved himself.

Bob: "DAMNATIONS! We ran out of OPTIONS! I have to DO IT!"

Seeing the light of desperation in their benevolent master’s eyes, the mages threw themselves in front of him with wails of terror on their lips.

Mage: "No, Bob! You cannot sacrifice yourself!"

Other Mage: "There has to be another way!"

Bob: "But I HAVE TO! This is the ONLY way I can give HIM the motivation to FIGHT! The mentor character ALWAYS has to DIE by the hands of the VILLAIN!"

The Chosen One: "*cough* I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I don’t give a rat’s ass about whether you live or die, old fart."

The sudden revelation drew even the last drop of blood from the face of the holder indescribably overwhelming and almost cosmic powers.

Bob: "Ah! That is TRUE! It cannot BE! What are we to DO now?! We NEED to RAISE the level of SAVVY! NOW!

Mage: "Sir! The comic relief!"

Bob: "The comi-?"

For a split-second of eternal instant, the all-knowing Bob didn’t understand what the man said, but then the light of understanding suddenly flared up in his eyes like solar-powered Christmas-decorations on the moon.

Bob: "GOOD THINKING, my MAN!"

The almightily almighty Almighty hastily turned to the young man with renewed vigor in his movements.

The Chosen One: "…"

Bob: "Listen, Boy! You also met a funny little hobbit bard on your travels, by the name of Fuzzy McAdorable, who is the heart and soul of your group!"

Fuzzy: "Hohoho! I luv you all! Can I haz cheezburger!"

Joane: "*squeal* He is so ADORABLE! Do me!"

Bob: "Not yet my dear, not yet."

Joane: "Aw…"

Bob: "However, he was killed by the evil overlord when he tried to protect you!"

Joane: "Fuzzy! Noooooo!"

Raggard: "Arr! The little thing was a true swashbuckler, I tell you!"

Mikhael: "Who are you calling little?!"

Joane: "*sob-sob*"

The Chosen One: "… Again, I don’t want to be the party pooper, but he is standing right here."

After a second of tense silence, the great mage of eternal powers threw his magical slipper to the ground in frustration.

Bob: "CURSES, I didn’t THINK of that!"

Bob: "…"

In just a mere second, a new plan formed in the head of the antediluvian of genius intellect and he immediately pointed towards the funny looking small man river-dancing in front of the Blessed Room of Waste Disposal.

Bob: "Look, Fuzzy! The OVERLORD is over there and wants to KILL your FRIENDS! Only YOU can SAVE THEM! Here, put on this MAGICAL RED SHIRT and HELP them!"

Fuzzy: "Oh, jolly! Don’t worry everyone, I will hold him back! It will make such a great story when I will tell it to my yet-to-be-born grandchildren! We will all be sitting around the fire in the house I will build on the hill once we are back! Me, my children, my grandchildren and our dog Toto, on the day of my retirement, and we will all laugh together! I can’t wait! Chargeeee!!!"

Joane: "No, Fuzzy! You cannot do this!"

Fuzzy: "Don’t worry, fair maiden of Ottawa! For the almighty Bob’s Red Shirt will protect me from… *squelch*!"

Raggard: "Arr! Oh no! The evil Overlord’s evil spiky armor of evilness stabbed him in the heart when he jumped upon him with his tiny body!"

Mikhael: "Who are you calling tiny?!"

Fuzzy: "Oh the pain! Oh the agony! Woe has befallen on me, but you must live my friends! Live, so that my sacrifice wasn’t in vain! Live to fight another day! Li… ve…"

Joane: "Nooooooo! Whyyyyyyy?!"

Joane: "…"

Joane: "Do me?"

Bob: "Not yet."

Joane: "Aw."

Mage: "It did it! Our savvy-levels spiked through the roof!"

Bob: "Now then, BOY! You have to… Boy?"

Raggard: "Arr? Where are you, me mate?!"

Mikhael: "He said he had enough and fought the Overlord on his own."

Bob: "WHAT?! NO! He is not READY yet!"

The almighty Bob and co. rushed out into the hallway, only to find that the battle between the Chosen One and the Dark Overlord already resolved itself.

Bob: "BOY! HOW?! You have DEFEATED the OVERLORD!"

The Chosen One: "It wasn’t a big deal."

Overlord: "Yes it was."

The Dark Lord slowly rose to his feet with the unfamiliar sight of sanity in his eyes.

Overlord: "You have used the Holy Grapefruit Spoon of Holiness +5, and destroyed the source of evil within me, my Pancreas. Now I’m free of is evil influence, and thus I will become an anti-hero who will occasionally help you in your future travels and will have a bitter rivalry with you while secretly crushing on your girlfriend."

Joane: "Girlfriend? Then he can do me now?"

Bob: "At any MINUTE now."

Joane: "Yay!"

Overlord: "As such, now I’m going to grudgingly thank you, but I’m still going to leave you behind while insulting your manhood or something."

The Chosen One: "… Can we do that tomorrow? I’m kinda fed up with all this shit already."

Overlord: "You too? … Okay, I guess we start tomorrow. Hey, do you wanna grab a beer?"

The Chosen One: "You’ve just read my fucking mind, pal!"

Mage: "Hey, where are they going?"

While the two men left the building, the infinitely powerful Bob absentmindedly caressed his long, thick, manly beard.

Bob: "… Well, it wasn’t EXACTLY the scenario I was EXPECTING, but it will DO."

Mage: "It still feels kind of cheap."

Bob: "This is how SAVVY works my FRIEND. This is how SAVVY works…"

Mage: "…"

THE END

P.S.: Wait, what about the ALMIGTY AMULET OF ALMIGHTYNESS? And the five elemental crystals? Speaking of which, what is the fifth element? Heart? Then was the Chosen One supposed to become Captain Planet? Hello? Is anybody out there?! Answer me! ... Please…?

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