Dec 25, 2011

Ho-ho-hooo and shit! :D

Christmas, Christmas, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAAAAAAS!!!

Gabe: "Bwahahaha! Finally, it’s that wonderful part of the year again!"
Pabloc: "… What are you talking about?"
Gabe: "That do you mean? It’s Christmas!"
Lily: "Uaaaaa~! Pabloc-san, Pabloc-san!"
Pabloc: "Yes?"
Lily: "What is that green thing?"
Pabloc: "What do you… Wha…?"
Soketsu: "Hey guys, we just got here and… Whoa…"
Kay: "Is that…?"
Gabe: "Bwahaha! Awesome, huh?!"
Lily: "Yay! It’s a Christmas tree!"
Soketsu: "Just where the hell did you get a pine-tree in the middle of the desert?!"
Gabe: "I made it."
Soketsu: "Wut?"
Gabe: "Yeah. From duct-tape."
Soketsu: "… But it’s green."
Gabe: "I know! Neat, huh?"
Soketsu: "…"
Pabloc: "… I don’t want to worry you guys, but isn’t that tree a little too big?"
Gabe: "Maybe. I originally wanted to make it two hundred feet tall, but I ran out of duct-tape, so I had to settle with one-fifty."
Pabloc: "What?! That’s bigger than the room!"
Gabe: "I know! Awesome, isn’t it?! I had to put in a few straight curves and Cartesian parallels into it to make it fit, but it was worth it!"
Pabloc: "But… but… there is no way that thing could exist within Euclidian space!"
Gabe: "Screw your Euclidian geometry, it’s Christmas!"
Pabloc: "What does that even have to do with-?"
Lily: "*tug* Gabe-sama! I’m hungry!"
Gabe: "Ah, Lily-chan! I was just thinking about you! Here, let me give you this!"
Lily: "Yay~ Roasted kittens! Arigato~!"
Gabe: "*crackle* You are welcome. It’s a traditional Christmas food in my country!"
Soketsu: "No it’s not."
Pabloc: "And we don’t even have countries in this world anymore…"
Gabe: "Stop nitpicking and let the holiday spirit in! It’s Christmas!"
*creak*
Tiari: "Hi guys."
Ahazkun: "*sigh* Sorry, we are late..."
Soketsu: "Ah, you arrived too?"
Ahazkun: "I had little choice in the matter. I was blackmailed into this appearance."
Soketsu: "What? You too?!"
Ahazkun: "…"
Soketsu: "…"
Gabe: "Ho-ho-ho! Happy Christmas!"
Ahazkun: "Speaking of which, why are we celebrating Christmas when it doesn’t exist in this world anymore?"
Gabe: "Nonsense! Christmas is Christmas even if there is no Christmas, because when it’s Christmas, it’s Christmas!"
Tiari: "That makes no sense at all!"
Gabe: "I know! It’s because it’s Christmas!"
Soketsu: "… No, actually, you never make any sense."
Everyone: "*nod*"
Gabe: "Bwahaha! Nonsense! I can always understand what I mean, so there’s no problem!"
Tiari: "No, the problem is that you are the only one…"
Gabe: "Oh, shut up you stray cat!"
Tiari: "What did you call me, you third-rate madman?"
Gabe: "Oooooh! Now you did it! I’m going to- O-o-ouch!"
Everyone: "?"
Jill: "*sigh* Sorry everyone, I was late but I had things to do."
Gabe: "O-Ouch! Hey, let go of my ear, I’m not a kid!"
Jill: "Then stop acting like one!"
Gabe: "…"
Jill: "Good."
Pabloc: "… You have no idea how glad we are that you are back…"
Jill: "Thanks, but what is this commotion all about?"
Gabe: "It’s a Christmas party, what else?"
Jill: "… We celebrate Christmas? Since when?"
Gabe: "Since now!"
Jill: "…"
Kay: "Excuse me…"
Gabe: "Oh, yes? Is there a problem?"
Kay: "The tree suddenly disappeared into some sort of whirlpool of light…"
Gabe: "… Wut?"
Pabloc: "… I told you, it couldn’t possibly exist in Euclidian space."
Gabe: "Oh, just shut up! Dammit, where am I going to get a new Christmas three at this hour!?"
Soketsu: "We don’t need one!"
Gabe: "But what about the Christmas spirit!?"
Ahazkun: "We don’t need it. What we need is a narrator. What happened to Steve?"
Gabe: "Oh, he is still getting ready."
Soketsu: "Getting ready? For what?"
Tiari: "Oh no… He is grinning! Everyone, run for your lives!"
And just then, into the chaos of the Christmas party arrived the very symbol of the holiday to bring laughs and joy to everyone, the jolly red man with his endless sack of wonders…
Steve: "Ho-ho-hoooo, man!"
Everyone: "…"
Steve: "…"
Soketsu: "Is he… supposed to be Santa?"
Gabe: "He is not supposed to be, he IS Santa Claus!"
Steve: "Have you been, like, good kids?"
Santa Claus walked over to the others with jolly steps, and smiled brightly at them from behind his completely not fake beard as he-
Pabloc: "No. Just… no. No matter how hard you try, Steve, you cannot force us to play along with this. Sorry."
Steve: "But, man? Like, what’s the problem?"
Pabloc: "… You are a camel."
Steve: "Aw maaan, don’t be like that! Is it really so strange for a camel to be Santa Claus."
Pabloc: "Errr… Yes, yes it is."
Steve: "Aw…"
And with that, his fragile heart and dreams crushed under the unrelenting and cruel steamroller of the scientist’s insensitive and unbelievably hurtful words, the poor, ostracized bactrian slowly, ever so slowly turned around, accompanied by the cold, heartless stares of the others and the faint, tingling sound of the pieces of his soul slowly breaking apart and turning to dust under the cold, pitiless night sky of-
Pabloc: "All right, all right! You can be Santa, just stop wit this painful narration!"
Hearing the man’s encouraging words, the wounds on the brave camel’s heart finally mended as-
Pabloc: "I just told you to stop the narration!"
Soketsu: "… *sigh* Why couldn’t you ask someone else to dress up?"
Gabe: "There was no one else."
Soketsu: "What about Victor?"
Gabe: "… Are you out of your mind? If I did that, I would had to white-face him first! Do you have any idea what kind of shitstorm that would have caused?!"
Soketsu: "… Why would you…? No, wait. Scratch that, I don’t care."
Gabe: "You don’t care?! I see, so you are still not under the Christmas spirit… It seems like it cannot be helped…"
With that, the glorious composer of this night’s event marvelously raised his hands, like a conductor ready to give the cue for his orchestra. And lo, just as his magnificent hand reached for the heavens, a dark figure appeared from the up high, slowly descending upon the enthralled group.
Victor: "Behold my words, as I am Christmas Past, Present and Future!"
Everyone: "…?"
Ahazkun: "Is that… supposed to be from Christmas Carol?"
Gabe: "Yeah."
Soketsu: "But wasn’t there three of them."
Gabe: "This is the budget version."
Everyone: "…"
As everyone fell silent in reverence…
Tiari: "It’s not reverence, it’s PAIN!"
*cough* So, as everyone fell in deep silence that was like the gentle pain of the divine flames burning in their hearts...
Tiari: "Jill! Do something about these morons!"
Jill: "*sigh* All right, all right."
*grab*
Gabe: "OUCH! Hey, I told you to stop that!"
Jill: "Would you stop this charade already?"
Gabe: "But why?"
Jill: "It’s disturbing."
Gabe: "Uhhh… But we have been rehearsing so much with Victor! He is burning with the desire to act! Do you really want to rob him from this expe-?"
Victor: "Actually, this is a little embarrassing, so…"
Gabe: "…"
Jill: "Listen Gabriel, because I’m only going to say this once…"
Gabe: "Y-Yes…?"
Jill: "… Please, stop this."
Everyone: "…"
Gabe: "Ugh… Fine, fine…"
Everyone: "…?"
Gabe: "*sigh* Okay guys, we are going to move on to plan B! Victor!"
Victor: "Yes, boss?"
Gabe: "Get down from there and put the stage-equipment away."
Victor: "On it!"
Gabe: "Lily! Seal the inter-dimensional hole my tree opened!"
Lily: "Hai Gabe-sama~!"
Gabe: "Steve! Narration pattern eight, variant thirty-four!"
Victor: "I got it, man!"
With that said, suddenly the entire banquet hall lighted up, revealing a majestic smorgasbord in the background, filled to the brim with the most exquisite dishes they had ever seen, neatly arranged like flower-basket of culinary delights. For a few moments, the group couldn’t form coherent words at the sight of this edible dream, but the momentarily silence was broken on schedule by the tinkling voice of the little blonde girl.
Lily: "I’m done~!"
Gabe: "Good work! Now…"
The mad scientist hastily stepped away from the baffled group and turned to them with a revivified smile on his face.
Gabe: "Let’s start this over, shall we? Happy Christmas, guys!"
At first the others only glanced at each other in mild confusion, but as it became clear that there were no traps, the groups slowly relaxed and moved over to the table.
Victor: "Okay, I’m done."
Gabe: "Great. Come and join us, there is enough space for everyone."
Victor: "Thanks."
With the entire group swarming around the table, the mad scientist suddenly cleared his throat, at which everyone shuddered in unison, reflexively expecting the worst. However…
Gabe: "First off, thanks for coming."
Ahazkun: "We didn’t really have any choice."
Gabe: "Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. However, this is Christmas, a time we should forget and forgive, so we should do just that and have a good time!"
Everyone: "…"
Gabe: "So, now that we have made this clear… It’s time for the presents!"
Pabloc: "Presents?"
Gabe: "Yes."
Kay: "Um… We don’t have any."
Soketsu: "Yeah, we didn’t expect that things would turn serious like this…"
Ahazkun: "Same here. I thought this session would end with Steve turning into a nuclear-powered sleight and you dressing up as Santa, then flying away while going -Ho-ho-hooo!-"
Tiari: "Pssst! Don’t give him ideas!"
Gabe: "*chuckle* What an amusing idea…"
Everyone: "…"
Gabe: "But back to the presents… Don’t worry; I prepared one for everyone in advance!"
Jill: "…"
Gabe: "Steve!"
Steve: "Ho-ho-ho!"
Still dressed in his perfectly fitting and authentic Santa attire, the narrator walked over to the mad scientist with a huge sack full of presents.
Gabe: "Thanks. Now then…"
Like that, the man started distributing his numerous gifts, to the honest and complete bafflement of the entire team. For a few minutes, no one dared to open his package, still expecting foul play even after all this, but it didn’t take long for their curiosity to overpower their caution, and for some, that moment came sooner than for others…
Lily: "Yay! I’ve got a new sewing kit!"
Pabloc: "A serious gift…?"
Soketsu: "… Hey Jill, was that -please- some kind of hidden password for a sane Gabe? Because if it was, keep him this way!"
Jill: "…"
Victor: "Whoa? Is this what I think it is…?"
Gabe: "Hehe…"
Pabloc: "A spare pair of glasses. How thoughtful."
Soketsu: "Hm? What did you get?"
Kay: "Um… U-Underwear…"
Soketsu: "… Gabe?"
Gabe: "Hey, what’s your problem? It’s a perfectly valid present!"
Soketsu: "… And what about these…?"
Gabe: "You mean your present?"
Soketsu: "What else?"
Kay: "What did you get?"
With his partner peeking over his shoulder, the man had no other choice but to show him the sizable paper box in his hand, at which she immediately turned beet red.
Ahazkun: "A box of condoms? Didn’t you make this joke already?"
Gabe: "Shut up! They are going to need it, and they are actually hellishly hard to get nowadays. I actually had to manufacture them based on some patents I salvaged a few years ago."
Soketsu: "Are you serious…?"
Gabe: "Of course, I’m always serious!"
Tiari: "Argh! Not this again!"
Ahazkun: "A mouse-shaped chewing toy… How surprising…"
Tiari: "This is the fourth time you did this joke! Aren’t you tired of it yet you overdeveloped short-bus runaway!?"
Gabe: "*crackle* Sorry, sorry. It was just impossible to resist. Here’s your real gift."
Tiari: "… Is this…?"
Ahazkun: "A necklace?"
Tiari: "…"
Tiari: "Where’s the trap?"
Gabe: "There’s no trap. It’s a simple necklace I made in my spare time."
Tiari: "…"
Gabe: "Also, you can insert your pass into the socket at the middle, so you won’t lose it again."
Tiari: "A-ha! I knew there was something shady about it!"
Gabe: "What is shady about that…?"
Lily: "Whoa~! It’s so pretty! You are so lucky, Tia-chan!"
Tiari:"Wha-Whatever…!"
Ahazkun: "…"
Tiari: "Oh, what did you get?"
Ahazkun: "Is this supposed to be some sort of not-so-subtle criticism?"
Gabe: "*whistle* I have no idea what you mean by that…"
Tiari: "A book? -The Complete Collection of Nostradamus’ Prophecies-?"
Ahazkun "…"
Tiari: "*sigh* Whatever. What about you, Jill? What do you have?"
Jill: "… I’ve got an IOU."
Tiari: "…"
Gabe: "What…? Why are you looking at me like that?"
Tiari: "You. Are. Terrible."
Jill: "…"
Gabe: "Ugh… All right, sorry. You just came back, so I had no time to get a proper present for you, and I didn’t want to half-ass it. With that IOU, you can ask me anything and I will do it."
Soketsu: "Use it to make him normal."
Tiari: "I second that."
Jill: "I… see. Thank you."
Tiari: "Wait, no! Don’t thank him for something like that!"
Jill: "No, it’s fine."
Ahazkun: "What about your present?"
Gabe: "Huh? My present?"
Jill: "…?"
Gabe: "*chuckle* I’ve already got mine."
Everyone: "…?"
Soketsu: "Hey, I just noticed something… What happened with our narration?"
Steve: "*chew-chew* *gulp* Sorry man, I’m eating."
Soketsu: "Oh, I see…"
Gabe: "*cough* All right everyone, we kind of started off with the wrong foot here, so let’s forget about all that and have a good time! Merry Christmas everyone!"
For a moment the entire group fell silent, then, one after the other, they all said the words without any worry.
Everyone: "Merry Christmas!"
And as such, the long night of celebrations have officially began, with our heroes and heroines happily leaving their troubles behind for this one enchanted eve, enjoying themselves to the fullest without any reservations…

----------

Later that night, long after the Christmas party reached its end, a man’s shadow sleeked through the darkness of the hall. His steps quietly echoed in the hauntingly silence as he came closer and closer to his destination. Finally, he came to a soft halt and drew a huge breath.
Gabe: "Steve!"
His voice echoed sharply in the room, and was soon answered by a different rhythm of steps coming from a different direction.
Steve: "I’ve been here for, like, an hour, man!"
Gabe: "Sorry I was late. I had a hard time slipping out of the bed without waking her."
Steve: "Whatever, no problem, man? Shall we begin?"
Hearing his faithful narrator’s eager voice put a heartfelt smile on the man’s face. With a swift motion, he donned the unmistakable clothes, his disguise that made it impossible for anyone to recognize him, and then he slowly extended his hand towards his bactrian partner-in-adventure, speaking the words both of them has been waiting for.
Gabe: "Gabriel vi Zhul commands you! Narration pattern two, variation sixty-six! Transform!"
Steve: "Yes, Your Majesty!"
Gabe: "BWAHAHAHAHOOOOO!!!"
Just like that, the form of the loyal narrator had gone through a miraculous transformation, covering the entire hall in its glorious light, and at last, a new form was standing in front of the man: a fission-powered rocket-sleigh!
Gabe: "…"
Without wasting even a moment, the mad scientist… no, right now, he was no mad scientist, not even a regular scientist! He was something more, something magnificent: a symbol, the very essence of Christmas itself! Like that, he, the man, the symbol, the hero, the one who was believed to be nothing more than a legend, rose upon the sleight with nigh-divine grace, and they immediately took off with a thunderous roar… and yet, even amidst this, his words clearly echoed in the premise:
Santa Gabe: "GET READY BITCHES! I’M BRINGING YOU CHRISTMAS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! HO-HO-HOOOOOO!!!"
And like that, they disappeared into the holy night sky, leaving only a trail of sparkling (and probably not radioactive) particles behind wherever they went on their quest to spread the spirit of Christmas throughout the world. As such, there was only one thing left to say…

Merry Christmas to all!

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2 comments:

  1. Hi there and happy holidays!
    I just got into the Christmas Spirit yesterday, and wrote this up in one sitting for your pleasure.

    Also, even though I've been kind on inactive lately, I have big plans going on in the background that I'll keep veiled till New Years eve. Until then... have a good time! :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wait..... WHERE ARE WE!!!!???? T0T where is me and my beloved,sweetie-smoothy, lovey-dovey and sugary-sweet adorable wife?

    ReplyDelete